You’re Not Intimidating — You’re Just Not Available for Chaos Anymore

By Marla Martenson

At some point, many women hear a version of this:

“You’re intimidating.”“You’re intense.”“You’re a lot.”

As if your self-awareness, clarity, or emotional depth is the problem.

But here’s the reframe that changes everything:

You’re not intimidating.You’re just no longer available for chaos.

When Chaos Was Familiar, It Felt Like Chemistry

For a long time, chaos can masquerade as connection.

The unpredictability. The emotional highs and lows. The push-pull that keeps your nervous system activated.

When you’re used to inconsistency, calm doesn’t feel safe — it feels unfamiliar.

So when you begin to heal, regulate, and anchor into yourself, something shifts.

You stop reacting. You stop chasing. You stop over-explaining.

And suddenly, the same dynamics that once felt magnetic no longer hold you.

Growth Changes Who Can Stay With You

As you become more grounded, fewer people can meet you there.

That doesn’t mean you’re demanding. It means you’re discerning.

Men who rely on:

• Ambiguity instead of clarity

• Potential instead of follow-through

• Attention instead of intention

Often feel uncomfortable around a woman who knows herself.

Not because she’s harsh. But because she’s no longer negotiable.

“Too Much” Is Often Code for “I Can’t Meet You Here”

When someone says you’re intimidating, what they often mean is:

They can’t access you through chaos anymore.

You don’t bite at breadcrumbs. You don’t fill silence with over-giving. You don’t perform emotional labor to keep things moving.

Your presence requires something real.

And not everyone is ready for that.

Calm Is Not Boring — It’s Selective

There’s a stage of growth where peace feels… strange.

Without the adrenaline of uncertainty, you may wonder:“Where’s the spark?”“Why doesn’t this feel as intense?”

But intensity isn’t intimacy. It’s activation.

What replaces it is something quieter: Safety.Clarity. Consistency.

And those qualities don’t shout. They steady.

You Didn’t Become Intimidating — You Became Unavailable for Self-Abandonment

This is the part many women miss.

Your standards didn’t rise to exclude people. They rose to include you.

You stopped contorting. Stopped proving. Stopped auditioning for connection.

And when you do that, anyone who benefitted from your over-functioning will feel the loss.

That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re finally doing it honestly.

The Right People Aren’t Intimidated by Stability

The people who are meant to meet you won’t be intimidated by your clarity.

They’ll be relieved by it.

They won’t need chaos to feel alive. They won’t need confusion to feel connected. They won’t shrink in the presence of your steadiness.

They’ll recognize it as home.

So if fewer people are staying —but you feel more at peace with yourself —

That’s not rejection.

That’s alignment catching up.

If you’re reading this and realizing that your tolerance for chaos has quietly expired, you’re not alone.

This is often the moment women come into Liberate.

Not because something is wrong —but because they’re ready to feel anchored instead of activated while dating.

Liberate is a 1-1 coaching space for women who want to:

• Stop abandoning themselves for connection

• Build standards that don’t collapse under chemistry

• Feel regulated, self-trusting, and clear in relationships

There’s no rushing. No forcing outcomes.

Just the work of becoming unavailable for what costs you your peace — and available for what actually meets you.

If that feels aligned, you can learn more about Liberate HERE

Contact me to find out if we are aligned to work 1-1 marlamartenson@mac.com

Download my FREE guide: No More Crumbs: Your Boundary Blueprint For Being Chosen & Cherished.